Wednesday 16th December 2015

A new day awakens and we’re struck with the realization it’s been 13 years today since our beloved little girl passed away. Whilst we’ve been thinking about it a great deal in recent days, it’s not until the 16th arrives that the real emotions kick in. As is the usual practice for Georgia and I, we will celebrate Maddie’s life in our own private way by doing something special today. No work, no mobile phones, no social media. Just the two of us and our precious memories. Thank you again to the many people who have sent us messages and prayers during and after Maddie’s journey. It does make a difference.

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Sunday 16th December 2012

Today marks a staggering 10 years since our cheeky little monkey was snatched away from us. It’s hard to reconcile that time frame given that Maddie was only with us for 2 years, 8 months and 4 days. There’s not a day goes by that we don’t think of you Beebop. All those birthdays, all those Christmases, the special days that we don’t get to spend together and not being able to see you grow up – is the hardest cross to bear.

We will always cherish the time we had with you and remember all the joy you brought to our lives. But by God we would give anything to have you back again. We love you and miss you with all our heart. Rest easy little princess.

xxx

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Thursday 12th April 2012

Maddies’s 12th birthday today. It is surreal to even try and imagine what she would have grown up to be like today. She is forever etched in memories as a two year old, so one can only wonder. That’s the biggest price you pay when you lose a child. You don’t get the opportunity to add to all those memories.

Nonetheless we continue to feel truly blessed that Maddie was part of our lives, if only for a short time. We miss you and love you more than ever Bee-Bop. xxx

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Thursday 16th December 2010

Georgia & I are both at home today. I thought maybe this year would be the first time we would actually go to work and face the world and try to be normal. But no, it still doesn’t feel normal. I don’t know as it ever will. The date is insignificant to most as they go about their daily lives – Christmas shopping, families and the like. But to us, this is THE one day that tears at us inside.

Eight years have passed since Maddie gave up her brave fight. The memories may fade and the images are not so vivid, but the pain still lingers. It sits there just below the surface every minute, every hour and every day. But today it explodes through that surface. I don’t care for anyone or anything today except my beautiful wife and my beloved angel.

We love you Maddie and we miss you terribly.

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Tuesday 9th January 2007

A new year is upon us and I’ve decided to give Maddie’s web site an entirely new look. We continue to receive many, many messages from all over the world. Thank you to you all for continuing with your love and support – it is most appreciated and helps us to strive forward each day.

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Saturday 16th December 2006

Today was a strange sort of day. This year because Maddie’s anniversary fell on a weekend, and in particular a busy Saturday morning, it hasn’t brought the usual focus and attention that the day normally draws, as we have not deliberately taken a day off work. We have tried to go about our business in a normal manner, doing some grocery shopping in the morning, some household chores in the afternoon. Although we did tell people not to call us. The last thing we feel like today is a mountain of telephone calls and messages. We know family and friends are thinking of us and that’s all that counts.

Christmas is approaching again. It’s a very painful time of the year there’s no too ways about it. There is never a good time to lose a child, let alone at this time of year when there is so much focus on children and families. We continue to put up the tree and surround it with presents. You try to be normal even though you know you’re not.

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Friday 16th December 2005

Neither of us is working today. It’s a day to spend at home, a day of reflection, a day to be happy, and a day to be sad. For the most part of the year I remember the happy times. Each time I look at Maddie’s smile I’m filled with overwhelming joy. Today is quite different. The joy has been replaced by despair. It is difficult to comprehend how one small date on the calendar has such a dramatic influence on your inner feelings. It’s the one day when I don’t want anything to do with anyone. When I just want to scream and scream and scream at anyone who comes near me. Why Maddie, why us, why anyone. The questions that will never be answered. That’s the hardest part to live with.

Three years. Longer than the time Maddie was alive. They say time heals wounds. I don’t believe that for a minute. Sure it’s a little easier day by day on the surface, but just below is a chasm of emotion just waiting to explode on the simplest of triggers.

This year we’re hosting Christmas and will enjoy the day, but there will be one special little person missing and I don’t think we’ll ever come to terms with that.

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Tuesday 16th December 2003

I never thought we would get to today as well as what we have. It was an eerie feeling waking this morning. It felt like Maddie had died last night – not one year ago. Seems such a long time ago yet is so fresh I can feel it everywhere. We stayed home all day and reflected on Maddie’s life. Remembered the good times, reflected on the sad times, but most of all longed for our beautiful little girl. They say that time heals, lessons the pain. I don’t believe it for a minute. The pain we feel is as strong as the day we found out about the monster inside Maddie’s head.

Is such a cruel time of year for us all. Everywhere you go, everywhere you look there are splashings of Christmas. It will be just another day. A day for families. Another day to remind us of what we don’t have.

One long year. I don’t really believe it. I love you Madison Jane.

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Friday 8th August 2003

I feel compelled to write something today. It’s been a long time since I’ve added to Maddie’s site. To be honest I lost a bit of interest in keeping it up to date. There didn’t seem much point now that Maddie has gone.

The shock of Maddies’ death is only now beginning to subside and reality is really biting. I’ve found I’ve lost many of those emotions that were overwhelming me in the first few months. I’m no longer feeling angry at everyone around me. I just want my baby back.

I just want her back. I don’t care about anything else right now.

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Saturday 12th April 2003

Today would have been Maddie’s 3rd birthday. The despair we feel today is magnified a thousand times more than any other day since Maddie’s death. The question of what might have been just goes round and round in my head in a never ending circle. The sick in the stomach feeling we had many, many times last year is back with a vengeance today.

It’s very difficult to reflect on the happy memories today. Maddie never had a chance to know what a birthday was all about.

We’re constantly reliving 2002 as every day goes by. It’s just over a year since Maddie was diagnosed. Everyday since that anniversary acts like a vivid reminder of what we all experienced. One year ago today Maddie was being prepared for surgery to have a shunt inserted into her head. I begged the doctors not to let her have surgery on her birthday. They didn’t listen to me. Looking back I’d wished they’d made that little concession. The memory of leaving Maddie in the operating theatre on her birthday is an image I’m never likely to forget as each birthday passes.

We have left her bedroom pretty much like it always was. Occasionally we go in there and sit quietly reflecting on the past two and half years. It’s very hard to be in there for long. It’s where Maddie belonged and where the physical reminders take their place. I don’t know if I can bring myself to go in there today.

I thought Christmas was a difficult time to bear. Today is impossible.

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