Neither of us is working today. It’s a day to spend at home, a day of reflection, a day to be happy, and a day to be sad. For the most part of the year I remember the happy times. Each time I look at Maddie’s smile I’m filled with overwhelming joy. Today is quite different. The joy has been replaced by despair. It is difficult to comprehend how one small date on the calendar has such a dramatic influence on your inner feelings. It’s the one day when I don’t want anything to do with anyone. When I just want to scream and scream and scream at anyone who comes near me. Why Maddie, why us, why anyone. The questions that will never be answered. That’s the hardest part to live with.
Three years. Longer than the time Maddie was alive. They say time heals wounds. I don’t believe that for a minute. Sure it’s a little easier day by day on the surface, but just below is a chasm of emotion just waiting to explode on the simplest of triggers.
This year we’re hosting Christmas and will enjoy the day, but there will be one special little person missing and I don’t think we’ll ever come to terms with that.