Today would have been Maddie’s 3rd birthday. The despair we feel today is magnified a thousand times more than any other day since Maddie’s death. The question of what might have been just goes round and round in my head in a never ending circle. The sick in the stomach feeling we had many, many times last year is back with a vengeance today.
It’s very difficult to reflect on the happy memories today. Maddie never had a chance to know what a birthday was all about.
We’re constantly reliving 2002 as every day goes by. It’s just over a year since Maddie was diagnosed. Everyday since that anniversary acts like a vivid reminder of what we all experienced. One year ago today Maddie was being prepared for surgery to have a shunt inserted into her head. I begged the doctors not to let her have surgery on her birthday. They didn’t listen to me. Looking back I’d wished they’d made that little concession. The memory of leaving Maddie in the operating theatre on her birthday is an image I’m never likely to forget as each birthday passes.
We have left her bedroom pretty much like it always was. Occasionally we go in there and sit quietly reflecting on the past two and half years. It’s very hard to be in there for long. It’s where Maddie belonged and where the physical reminders take their place. I don’t know if I can bring myself to go in there today.
I thought Christmas was a difficult time to bear. Today is impossible.